Growing

I had the strangest experience yesterday, and I'm still processing - so please, bear with me.

I had been struggling with pain, for many months, in my lower back and left hip.  It got so bad, I was beginning to convince myself that I probably needed some kind of horrific surgery or other.  I could not get out of bed without pain.

And then, one of my clients introduced me to her Feldenkrais teacher, and it has changed my mobility completely.

It's been wonderful, and exciting and, above all else, such a huge relief to discover that I do not have to live in pain, and I do not need any kind of surgical intervention.  I can learn how to help and heal myself.

So I've been working 1:1 with my teacher, and I've started taking group classes.

Yesterday, I was in class, with the teacher and two other students, and the teacher was asking us about how our bodies moved under certain circumstances.  The two other students observed that their right foot and ankle were lifting up from the floor as their body began to move.

OH NO!  My foot and ankle were driving down into the floor!

WHAT WAS I DOING WRONG??????

I watched my new friends closely, and noticed that there were other differences in our movements - we were sitting on the floor, and they had the palm of their left hand flat on the floor, but my hand didn't reach... was my arm somehow shorter in comparison?  Is THAT why my right foot was doing something different to them?

In what way was I not meeting the requirements for this lesson?  What new way to fail at being a person was this?

Now, before we continue, I should be very clear about one thing - my teacher had done NOTHING to make me feel this way, she had said NOTHING about anyone being 'right' or 'wrong', this was all me, feeling quite certain that, as usual, I was the awkward one, I was the one who couldn't look as lovely as the other students, who couldn't 'do it right'.  Nobody else in that room did or said anything to support or endorse my belief, this was all going on in my head.

I struggled for a few more minutes to make my foot move like theirs, to get my hand to go how theirs did, and I couldn't do it, it felt horribly unstable, I didn't like it at all.

And so, when it was quiet, and there was time for me to talk, I told my teacher what I could see - that my hand wouldn't go where the other people's hands were lying, and that I thought maybe that was why my foot wasn't behaving.

And my dear, sweet teacher very gently pointed out that the reason my body was doing what it was doing.....

was that this is the thing we have been working on together for the last seven weeks, and wasn't it wonderful that my body now automatically supports me by driving that right foot into the floor, rather than leaving me unsteady and unstable by lifting up...

OH!

Wait....

So I'm not doing anything wrong?

I'm not doing anything wrong.

I'm ok, this movement is working for me, my body is working for me.  It's good to feel unstable and strange when I do the lifting ankle thing, that's what I've been learning for seven weeks, I've been learning how to use my body to support me as I move, and would you just look at that? ... my body IS helping me, my foot is supporting my movement, I can lift my left hand clear off the floor if I choose, my body is stable, and supported, and my wonderfully clever right foot is countering the movement of my torso, balancing me and keeping me steady.

Not. Wrong.

And then my new friend next to me says that she has been watching me, as I have been watching her, and she has noticed that, at rest, my foot lies very differently to hers on the floor - and that maybe there's something important in that.

Not for a moment does it occur to me that SHE might be 'doing something wrong' - isn't that interesting?  In my mind, I am almost certainly 'wrong' but my friend... oh she is either 'right' or 'just learning something new' or 'not quite there yet'.... all of which are potentially true, but why don't I speak to myself with that same empathy, generosity, encouragement, understanding?

And then our teacher sits by us, and shows us, gently, and without judgement, how the differences in our habits are influencing the ways we are moving, and how one way feels stable, strong, powerful, and the other can feel a little unsteady.  She quietly works my new friend through the same discovery that I made in our private classes a couple of weeks ago.

And as I watch them working together, I realise that, as students, we have both been making silent assumptions about ourselves being somehow 'wrong', and suddenly it's clear that if we stop using our comparisons to judge ourselves harshly, if we stop getting in our own way, we can a) realise that we are experiencing something GOOD, and b) help each other and both be stronger and more capable for it.  I am not wrong, I am growing, just like my friends beside me.

And there we sit, on the floor, looking at our hands and our feet, and how our bodies were moving differently, thinking and talking about what feels good and bad, and our third friend becomes involved, and then she is discovering that if she moves her foot to lie how mine lay, at rest on the floor, her neck pain is very much eased, and she can move further and with more ease.

We are three very different people, tall, short, slender, curvy, younger, older, new mothers, mothers with grown children.  We were born in very different places, raised by different parents, in different communities.  And yet, we have discovered that our three bodies all benefited from the exact same small adjustments to the way we were habitually moving. And as we harnessed the power of talking with each other, sharing what we could see and feel, I could see us all growing each other's experience.

It was a beautiful thing, to watch another woman's face change as her body found ease and joy in the simplicity of quality movement.  It was an amazing thing to watch the strain of continuous pain wash away from a beautiful face as she discovered that she didn't have to hurt all the time.

That classroom is a powerful place.  Life-changing things are happening there.

Our teacher has spent years exploring this body of work, every nuance, every detail, such that she can now talk us through how we might take our imagination on a walk and find a new way to move.  She has the words, the experience, she has immersed herself in this work so deeply, she knows what we might feel before we feel it.

She's got this. She can take us on journeys that we cannot even dream of.

All I have to do is let go of some things.  Let go of this view I have of myself as being 'the kid who was always terrible at physical activities'.  Let go of this belief that my body is somehow less useful, less capable, less beautiful than everyone else's. Let go of the certainty that I'm always 'doing it wrong'.

As I learn this work, I am discovering these new ways of moving my body, I am building new movement habits, using the power of my mind to influence how I move, even how I prepare to move - building new pathways in my mind that open up new possibilities in my body.

And I'm learning how to build new mental habits, new emotional pathways, too.

I'm growing, and my strong, capable, beautiful body feels amazing!

THERE it is!

For years now, decades even, I have been looking for something.

A very particular something.

For  years I have imagined that there must be something more than physical therapy to heal a body that hurts.

For years I have imagined that there must be something more than talk therapy to heal a spirit that is anxious, fearful.

For years, I have imagined a healing modality that considers both the mind and the body, deeply connected, and in need of simultaneous attention and growth.

Six years ago, I found NIA, or NIA found me, and for a while, it felt good.  A lot of healing took place in that dance space, with friends who became unerring supporters, and walls that absorbed grief, rage, and fear.

But for the last 6 months, NIA has not been healing me.  My body has been so sore, so painful, that I truly believed myself to be in need of some sort of surgery to heal me.  I have become unable to dance, lift, bend, it's been miserable.

I tried massage, but that just hurt, more.  The therapist gave me stretches to do at home, because my back was 'so tight', but the stretches hurt, and did not do much to alleviate my continuing discomfort.

It felt like concrete in my back, and when I was upset or anxious, it hurt more.... so I was becoming more and more aware of the emotional component of my pain.

And then I found the thing I've been searching for...

the magical connection between my mind and my body, where the strengths and capabilities of one grows and strengthens the other.

It's called Feldenkrais, and it is a modality that was created very meticulously. In my practice of this, I learn to slow down.

Slow. Down.

No, slower than that.

Slow.

Down.

This is proving to be quite difficult to learn, because I naturally go fast!

But the ease that I feel in my body when I achieve deliberate movement, careful organisation of myself, planned thoughtful motion - oh, it's magic!  I've been working all day, my mid back is burning, my low back is tight, one side of my butt hurts - but I know that if I call upon my self-discipline, and go lay on the floor and reorganise how my bones and muscles are connected and speaking to each other, I can make ALL of the discomfort go away.

My teacher tells me that I might become addicted to this, I don't think she realises that it is already happening!  It is SO thrilling to feel better than I have felt in months, years.  It is SO lovely to be able to sit on the floor and play with a bunny, and not be uncomfortable when I want to get up.  It is so lovely to be able to go out and walk in the winter sunshine.

And it is so wonderful to NOT be reliant on another human to heal me, but to be learning how to do it for and by myself.  My teacher works WITH my body, not ON my body, and she connects the work to my mind as we go along, so that, as one of my favorite NIA songs says "we are all connected", and by 'we' I mean "all the parts of me"!  I love it!

Breakfast with a Gadget

We all love a new gadget, don't we?  Something we think we can't live without... and then after a couple of weeks the novelty wears off, and it sits neglected in a dusty corner somewhere until we have to move house and then we donate it!

Sigh.

Sometimes, however, the new gadget actually succeeds.  Sometimes it quietly asserts itself into your life and you truly do use it often, it truly does make life easier or, in this case, food healthier.

This little thing is fantastic!!!!!

https://www.hamiltonbeach.com/breakfast-sandwich-maker-25475 

It's a breakfast sandwich maker, made by Hamilton Beach, and you can get it for 20-25 bucks at all the usual places.

It looks a little gimmicky, I know, but it's magic!  You just pre-heat it, and then throw half a muffin in the bottom, with a little cooked sausage or bacon and maybe a sprinkling of cheese, and then you put the next section down and there's a little plate for your egg to cook on (so it doesn't all ooze out of the sides like it does in a regular panini press), a little seasoning on the egg, top half of the muffin on top, close the lid, set the timer for 4 minutes, and breakfast is made!

I know, I hear you, you can buy breakfast sandwiches pre-made in the freezer section, it's true.  But holy cow, do you know how much fat and grossness is in those things?  This little machine cuts calories like you would not believe!  You can use wheat or whole grain muffins.  You can use a whole real actual egg.  You can drain all the fat off the sausage, or use Canadian bacon (nitrate free if you like), you can add diced peppers, sliced tomatoes, different kinds of cheese.  You can go a little mediterranean with your veggies and spices, or skip the meat and be veggie, you can even skip the egg (although it does seem a shame to do that when the egg cooks so beautifully on that little plate!), it's fantastic!  We went all philly cheesesteak one day because we had leftover steak in the fridge - threw strips of steak and some cheese in the bottom, veggies on the plate, it was scrumptious!  No perservatives, no freezer burn, no extraneous calories - who doesn't want that?

We got this because my man needs a little protein in his morning, cereal just doesn't cut it for him when he's heading out for the day, and I really didn't like the frozen section option that he'd been used to reaching for.  And now, once or twice a week we spend 15 minutes making sandwiches and boxing them up for breakfasts, and everyone is happy!

The people at Hamilton Beach have no idea that I'm saying all of this about their product, but I figure if anyone is on the fence about whether it would be useful or not, reading this might help them to decide what to do!  It does take a little time, but really, not much more than it takes to get the sandwich out of the freezer, unwrap it from the plastic, and nuke it til it's vaguely edible.  And you get a much nicer sandwich if you make it yourself, so it's worth that little bit of effort.

The One.

Today I have to tell you where I've been for the last 3 years, and why there hasn't been time for blogging.... (I notice that I intended to write this post a year ago, and then somehow didn't get around to it!).

Early in 2016, I met someone.  

And when I say 'someone' what I really mean is 'The One'.

The One who makes your heart beat faster. The One who takes care of you when you're well and when you're sick. The One who makes you laugh like no-one else can.  The One who drops everything and holds you when you cry, because what makes you so sad that you need to cry is important to him, just because it's important to you.

The One who tells you not to ratchet yourself down, not to hold part of yourself back, The One who encourages you to live full throttle, wholeheartedly, even though it scares some people, intimidates some people, makes some people envious, insecure, even angry.  The One who tells you that he wants to know you, all of you, the super-smart-overachieving-can-do-everything-you-turn-your-hand-to corners of you that you usually try to hide from people, because your mother said you were 'too much', because your ex-husband said you 'made him feel stupid when you could solve problems that he could not'.  

The One who lets you in, who shows you his weaknesses, his flaws, cautiously, carefully, worried that you might change your mind about him, but determined that you should know the whole person anyway.  The One you love, precisely because he is not perfect, and because he is brave, funny, kind, smart.  Because his hugs feel like home.  Because his smile makes you smile.  Because his love makes you better.  Because he makes you want to love him in ways that make him better.

Him.  I met him!  And it has been the most amazing time!

We are real, we don't live in a fairy-tale, there are rough times, tough times, there are days when we don't understand each other, there are weeks when we both work so hard we barely see each other.

And then there are times when we have no children and no homework (he's in school right now, it's a LOT!), and there is time to talk to each other, time to watch tv together, time to each work on our own thing but know that the other one is sitting right there doing their thing, too.  There is time for dancing, and napping, and more talking.  There is time for 'do we wanna go out to eat, or shall we just scrounge up some leftovers?' because with just us two, we don't have to cook if we don't feel like it.  Heaven!

It is an immensely powerful, life-altering thing, to be loved and accepted exactly how you are.  It takes time, to learn to truly trust it, to really believe that it's actually working and lasting and isn't about to implode in your face. It takes more time when the last time you put yourself out there, someone treated you badly, someone cheated, someone lied, someone gave up and walked away.  It takes time to trust that this person is not walking away, that when they say they are staying, they actually mean it, and they actually stay.  We have had days where one of us felt like the other was on the verge of letting go, when we knew that this day would have broken our previous relationships - and it has taken courage to work through those days, to trust each other, and to believe in the power of two people choosing each other.

But we're here.  It's been a wild and crazy ride, and it's about to go off on a new tangent, but I'll tell you about that another day!  

Look What I Found!

Oh Look!  I found my blog!

It's been over 2 years since I wrote anything - and so much has happened!

I found these, yesterday, hiding in the neglected gardens of our rental house.  Aren't they glorious?  My dear and much missed friend used to love the first daffodils of spring, and yesterday it felt like she had swung by and planted a little 'remember me' in my yard, it was wonderful.

Anyway, I'm hoping to show up here a little more - to share the fun and games of life in our little corner of the world. 

First news is that there is not, currently, An Aga In The Kitchen.  The family home was sold as part of my divorce, the Aga is currently in my garage here, in hopes that one day she will burst into life again, warming our hearts and our home.  For now, though, we are renting homes, and she is resting. 

We. however, are not resting....

I work so many jobs I can hardly count them, but they keep me busy and pay the bills.  Eldest daughter graduated university and currently works as a nanny, taking care of small darling children who are so lucky to have her.  Youngest daughter has gone off to live in the snow, she's a freshman, hoping to become a physical therapist one day, and she's working hard, making friends, learning through the struggles of freshman year. 

We have some new things to tell you about, but those will have to wait for another day - I need to get some work done today! 

Just To Top It Off!

This week has been fabulous, and just to top it off, I released a new pattern on Ravelry today - called 'Top It Off'!  

Here are my lovely boot toppers, modelled by my lovely Caitlin.  The pattern looks fab, thanks to Rebecca's hunting for the perfect 'Scally Girl Knits' font, and I guess that left me to do the design work and the layout!  We're quite the team!

We had a little fun while we were out there - because they'd just blown a huge lot of leaves into a pile... 

Do you like Coffee?

I don't drink coffee, but I really LIKE coffee, especially today - because look what happened to Drink True North's website....


http://www.drinktruenorth.com/

They have my knitwear designs on their front page - squeee!!!!!