Say Something.

it hurts to let go, but sometimes it is just what needs to be done.  This week has been a turning point for me, conversations, experiences, thoughts, and inspirations, all dropped into my consciousness in a very short space of time, and something inside me began shifting.  And then, finally, this song.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere I would have followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

This song haunts my heart, I hear it in my sleep, it speaks to me.

It is time to let go of my old life, of the hurt and the fear and the disappointment.  It is time to give up on some things that just aren't going to work out in a good way.  The song says so.  I AM sorry that I couldn't get to you, but that's not my fault, and it's okay to stop trying.

And so, inspired by the work and words of writer Lissa Rankin, by the power of my NIA dance teacher Pauline, and by the beauty of this song, I am letting go, and letting be.  I am resting, waiting, not grasping for what I think I want or need, but giving it up to the Universe, and letting new things come to me.

I'm giving up on you, I'm cutting you loose, letting go of needing to know where or how you are, I'm giving up on you, but I'm not giving up on ME.

Inspired by NIA, I am RAW, Relaxed, Alert, and Waiting.

I have no idea what might be in store for me, but I know that chasing it won't make it happen if it's not meant to happen.  So say nothing if that's what you want, or fight for my attention if you think that's what you need - either way is fine with me, I'm letting go now, and there's nothing you can do about that.

I am untouchable because I have let go.

Doing It Scared.

I feel like I am standing on the edge of a precipice this morning..

Last week was tough, really tough, 6 months of living so very differently, and I was doing okay until my dance friend announced that she's going through the same struggle, and younger daughter moved on from denial into anger, while daughter the elder buried herself in studying for her Freshman finals (4.0 in 'English as narrative', one point shy of a 4.0 in Statistics, last final for Law class is this morning and she is holding her breath!).

It's been fun!  I felt terrified, overwhelmed, disoriented, we've been trying to remortgage the house and there've been some weird things with that, it seemed like it wasn't going to work out and I was going to have to continue trying to afford the extortionate rates while others have a nice new low rate mortgage, it was all very difficult and it didn't feel like there was much solid ground for me to stand on. 

I was thinking about potential work, what could I be?

- occupational therapist?  I already have teaching qualifications and experience, working in schools as an OT would be my sort of thing... yeah, but basically need medical school to qualify, unless I am an 'assistant', which wouldn't earn enough money to keep me, let alone the kids.

- Physical therapist?  Still helping people, which would be great, but still needs a lot of medical learning, don't have the time or the money for that much training.

- NIA teacher?  Oh yes please, but it would be a couple of hours a week and would not pay the bills, would be fun though!

- Life coach - my dance teacher says 'life coach', and some of you have said similar things, get paid to advise, support, encourage, help make plans, to basically do all the things I already do with people...  so I looked that up online, too, and found that there is training and support for starting one's own business, and that it's new, but it could be a big thing in the next few years.

All of this was madly swirling in my head, none of it looking like a solution to the economic issues in my near future, all of it feeling like too much, too difficult, too impossible. 

I kept hearing my friend Sharon's advice - do what's necessary, and then what's possible, and pretty soon you'll be doing the IMpossible.  I've done what's necessary for the last 6 months, I'm feeling like it's time to go for 'what's possible' but that's scary and overwhelming, and the way forward is unclear.

And then at the weekend my friend posted on Facebook that she's looking for someone who can write in HTML code, to help her with an excess of work, and I thought 'well, I used to be able to program, how hard can it be?', so I went and found a free tutorial to get started, and by the end of yesterday I had a working webpage that I could change font size, colour, background on, I could write a bulleted or numbered list, I could bold or italicize things, I could insert a picture, or a link to a webpage - it was fun, and DD2 was very impressed that I could make an internet page - I was pretty impressed myself! 

I messaged my friend, to say 'hey, how complicated do these clients of yours need things to be?  Do you think I could learn this stuff in time to be able to maybe help you out?' and I got back...

"Here's another tutorial so you can learn some more about it, I think you can do it, oh, and by the way, I know a couple of life coaches, want me to pass on your contact information?". 

And there it is - the precipice.

A turning point?  The opportunity that I've been believing would present itself at some point?  Maybe, maybe not, maybe TWO. 

I found this at the weekend, whilst searching for the author of a quote that had come to my attention... it's an excerpt from a blog post, and the author is quoting a story from The Reader's Digest. 

The blog author writes - "I read the story in Reader’s Digest, and I haven’t read the Digest in decades. But the story has stuck with me through the years. 

The multistory office building was burning, and its occupants streamed down the stairwells, parting to get around the woman standing frozen at the top of a flight of stairs. Finally a man stopped beside her and said quietly, 
"You have to go down." 
She replied, "I can't." 
He said again, "We have to go. Now." 
"No!" she repeated, "I can't do it." 
"I'll do it with you," the man said, taking her arm. 
"But I'm scared," she cried. 
To which he said, "Then do it scared."."

I have spent the last week crying "But I'm scared", but this morning I said yes to my friend, yes, go ahead and connect me to your friends, and now I'm off to take the second step down the staircase, and investigate that tutorial she sent me. 

This is me, doing it scared. 

The Power Of Joy.

A dear friend wrote to me this morning to tell me a little about the sermon at her church yesterday - it was about 'enthusiasm'.

Reading about ‘enthusiasm’ made me think about my NIA teacher and her relationship with joy.


I was talking with her about another of my dear friends, who works hard, up and about and moving all day long, she eats relatively little, and yet she is heavier than she would choose to be, and she hates it.  I said that for the amount she eats relative to the amount she moves, it makes no sense for her to be so uncomfortably upholstered, and my teacher said ‘well yes, but what does she do for joy?’. The more we have talked about it, and the more I have put names and physical attributes together with lifestyle and behaviour, the more I have realised that those who move with joy are the ones who lose the weight they hate.  Those who move with joy are the ones who beat cancer.  Those who move with joy are the ones who live well, love wholeheartedly, and are happy, in feast and in famine.

I have noticed that we often wear our moods like a badge of honour, and that, sometimes, that badge is actually poking a hole in our soul with the sharpness of it's pin.


And so, I threw out a challenge to my dear friend, and it went like this... you should read it like I'm talking to you, because this is a universal challenge, open to all who dare to step out of their routine and live a different life.

Dear friend, my challenge for you, be it a new way to exercise or something else entirely, is to find something, anything, however small, that brings you joy, and spend a little time with it every day. 


Some people move, some people write, some people put their hands in the dirt, some people meditate, some people cook, some people have pets - it doesn’t matter what it is, but it must be there just for the joy. A pet is a big responsibility, but that feeling of being unconditionally loved is joyful. Cooking for the family is a daily requirement, but some days, just getting out in the kitchen and creating something beautiful for the fun of it can be joyful.

I do NIA, and I watch my friends little ones, and I work at the yarn store, and I rep for my friend Karin and her yarns, and I raise my daughters, and keep my house, and some days it feels like the world is tugging at my skirts ‘mum, mum, can you help me with…?’, all the time. 

But there are always joyful moments in there, moments in NIA where the movement feels so free, so cheerful, moments with the young children where the baby falls asleep on my shoulder or the little 4 year old boy climbs into my lap and pretends to be a little mouse and there is pure happiness. Moments at the store where I remember who I am and that I am strong and capable and clever and a good teacher and a calming influence and a good organiser and a fun person to be around, and all of that feels good. Moments with friends where we’re just so in tune that we don’t need to finish the sentence. Moments, many moments, with my daughters, where they are just sunshine itself and all the worries and anxieties just fall away, powerless in the face of happiness and laughter. Moments where even cleaning the house can feel successful and cheering and uplifting - we are slowly going around painting over all the dark brown depressing doors and trim with shiny white paint, and the whole mood of the place is changing, not only because of our sunshine but because of the light and the colour that is pouring into our lives from outside.


Find your joy, I wrote to my friend, wherever it is hiding, look for it, find it, label it ‘joy’ and then immerse yourself in it. It’s incredibly empowering, wonderfully uplifting, and I have a feeling that your weight will no longer be a burden to you, emotionally or physically, if you can find a way to focus on the sunshine rather than the chores. It’s easy to go along burdened and weighed down by the daily grind of chores and maintenance and health needs and phone calls and emails and and and, the media shows us that everyone lives that way - but it’s not true, the smart people don’t live that way, they live in a place where gratitude and enthusiasm and joy are the cornerstones, not debt and burden and failure.


We can’t be irresponsible, we can’t let go of our responsibilities, our chores, our bills, but we CAN and we SHOULD move them to a lower level of importance in our day. They need to be taken care of, but they’re just details, what REALLY matters today?


For me, what really matters today is that my fabulous pet sitter understands how very welcome she would be here as part of our home and family - she’s a young lady from the yarn store who I work with on Sundays, she’s great and she was in a panic because she has nowhere to stay after the end of July… except now she has a room in my house while she looks after our pets and we get to go on vacation! Everybody wins!  :-)

What really matters today is that I get some time to hug my girls and catch up with what’s going on in their lives, I had 15 minutes with Becca this morning where she told me about her courses for fall and how excited she is to have got the courses she really wanted, and her wish to go to camp overnight in mid-June, and her hopes of having a job as a TA in the fall, and that her papers are falling out of her accordion file so she really needs a new one!

This afternoon, I need that time with Caity.

What really matters today is that I get 90 minutes at the park with my little friends, where we can enjoy the sunshine, and I can watch the beautiful little girl's hair get blown around by the wind, and I can watch the wonderful 4 year old boy run for all he is worth, and be reminded of the joy of just being alive.

What matters today is that I connect with you, for a little while, and remind you that you have so much to offer the world that is important and life-changing and invaluable to us all.

I need a new checkbook, I need to book the dentist, I need to clean the house a bit, I need to move some furniture to make room for our new petsitter , but those things are not the cornerstones of the day. The joy of the four young people who inhabit this day, the love of you, my dear friend, the encouragement of my friend who needs a place to stay for a while - THOSE are the cornerstones of Monday, those are the gifts I can give and the blessings I receive.

What are yours? Can you identify the difference between the chores you need to get done today and the things that really matter to you today? Can you find the joy in the things that really matter? Can you find satisfaction in crossing off the chores? Can you spend a little time in a place where your heart is full, and then take that feeling on into the rest of the day with you?

You and I may never be in the same room at the same time, but it will never matter, because we are always going to be friends, the world is not big enough to keep us apart. And the world is not big enough to keep you from living the life you want to live, so pick one thing, today, one small thing, for the love of it, and let yourself feel positive things.

It feels a little strange to start with, this act of purposefully putting joy into your day, but it will become a habit. Choose happy, my friend, actively choose it, every day, I think it will make your journeys MUCH more successful.

Much love to you, and grateful thanks for the journey that you helped me get started on - your faith in me, your encouragement, your love, they all helped to keep me moving forward in positive and strengthening ways, even on the darkest days, and I hope that one day I am able to reach you in the same incredibly powerful way and offer back to you the strength and courage you have given.

Debbie
x

I hope that, by sharing what began it's life as a personal message between two friends, I have given you all something to think about today, and that you will find the courage to change one small thing about your day, in order to make space for some sunshine.

Out With The Old...

It's now New Years Eve - only because we have chronic insomnia in our house tonight - ordinarily we'd be asleep at this hour!  But since we're awake, here's a quick photo tour of the last couple of days...

HAHAHAHAHA!  We've done a lot of this, and a lot of tv watching and reading and not much actual 'doing' of anything.

We found this little sweetheart at the pet store while we were waiting for movie time to come around.

How cute is she?  I have to be careful, I'm very pet vulnerable at the moment!  We could end up with a zoo in our house!

Last evening we went to the town centre to visit the Centennial Bonfire.  Love how it was next to the Christmas Tree! 

and here's an arty late night shot of my current knitting project and my beautiful new yarn bowl.

After we've got some sleep, we're planning an 'out with the old' day, checking our resolutions that we made at the start of the year, seeing how far we got with them, and cleaning the house up a bit, ready for the next year's arrival in about 21 hours from now.  It's been the toughest year of our lives, and next year may be much harder, but we're heading into it with as much courage as we can muster! 

Visions of sugarplums...

It feels like a long time since we harvested delicious fruit from the garden and the hedgerow, but a dear friend asked me today about sugarplums, and so here's a picture or two of the pretties from our garden...

apples and sugarplums from the garden, blackberries from the local hedgerows.

they're so pretty! 

In investigating sugarplums, I have learned that the 'sugarplums' from the Night Before Christmas are actually not plums at all, but plum-shaped confections made from chopped dried fruit and nuts and rolled in sugar to make them pretty!  Who knew?  Looks like we might have to make some of those soon, since our tree plums were eaten up months ago! 

It's a quiet day with the Aga today, we're hanging out at home, the fire will be going as soon as I'm done chatting to you, and we'll be reading and knitting and resting and healing.  We have vague plans to make mince pies later, but we'll see... 

Resting

Happy Boxing Day!  

It's been a pretty intense few months here at the Scally house, but today we are resting.  Tea, knitting, movies, books, blankets, footstools, comfy pillows - all of these things are featuring heavily in our day today.

So, in lieu of all the posts I haven't written over the last 3 months, here's a quick photo tour of life at our house...

We've had yummy autumnal dinners.

We've made beautiful cupcakes that look like adorable shoes!

Caity made most of them, but this super-sparkly pair were made by Becca! 

Caity made a cute gingerbread village for Hallowe'en.

We celebrated Thanksgiving!

We made felted slippers.

and snuggly warm socks.

and beautiful squishy wraps. 

The fuschias in the window box woke up early for spring!

We festooned the inside of the house with fairy lights. 

We made a tower out of Christmas Crackers. 

We dragged a tree into the house and made it look beautiful!

We were spoiled rotten by lovely friends! 

We made Ninjabread cookies - the girls decorated them so well, they're hilarious, and they taste great, too!

Here's a ninja cowboy! 

Santa came and filled the girls Christmas sacks with fun gifts. 

Caity got a GIANT teddy bear!

Snowglobes and nutcrackers arrived, just like every year. 

and the table looked beautiful for Christmas dinner. 

There's been a lot happening, and there's a lot more where that came from - hopefully it won't be three months before you hear about it all! 

In Which Connie Is Very Busy.

Summer is beginning to wane here at Scallyville, mornings are a little foggy, night-time is a little chill.  Usually this makes me sad, because I love to be warm, I love the sun, and the endless grey chilly days are difficult. 

I've been enjoying the long summer, working on projects like this beauty -

 it's a shawl, named Bivalve, in a yarn colorway named Atlantic, and I love it!  

this is what makes summer fantastic - look how the light travels through the fabric - gorgeous!!!!

 And so it's a little sad when those fabulous slow days are over and the routine of school starts up again. 

But this year I have Connie, my faithful Aga. 

She's been busy the last 24 hours.  Monday she made plum chutney with the beautiful little sugar plums from our tree.  We had so many we weren't going to be able to eat them all before they went soft, so I preserved about half of them. 

Yesterday she slowly braised chicken in red wine, and last night I threw a tray of slightly sour table grapes into the warming oven. 

This morning when I woke up, I had raisins! 

 Yummy!  Raisins are pretty expensive around here, grapes are a dollar - seems silly not to make my own raisins since I have the tools for the job! 

Right now there's basil drying, and thyme, in the warming oven, and the smell is wonderful! 

 
On the cooktop I have cranberry sauce simmering (I love the sound of popping cranberries!)

 
and there's another tray of grapes washed and ready to be raisined overnight tonight.  Maybe fall is not so bad after all.